RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE: if you take nothing else from this “thing” take this – these opinions have Z-E-R-O to do with DM’s reborn “politics”. I couldn’t care less.

But Oh’ sweet Jesus on the bloody wooden cross I hate that motherfucker with the intensity of a thousand white-hot suns. Here’s a guy who had a pretty good run on an ensemble show for a few years. After that he made a feeble attempt to host another dime-a-dozen “late night talk show” and squeaked out just under one year’s worth of televised comedic abortions. Bouncing back, DM headed to HBO and began a lengthy run with what can be honestly described as a “successful” show (this includes several specials which ranged from poor to pretty good).

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but Dennis Miller has for the last 7+ years perfected two things: failing and being crushingly unfunny. To watch his infamous and again very short-lived stint on Monday Night Football was akin to viewing a live Internet feed of a geriatric colonoscopy, only not as educational.  

Post HBO he limped through a CNBC show. Again, less than one season gets in the can before he does. Dennis Miller (great title), a lil’ non-laugh filled nugget was just prior to his acid reflux inducing “segments” on Hannity & Colmes. This was a red flag warning of Miller-scat to come - as he begins (and quits) his “Real Free Speech” bits on said “debate” show a couple of years later. When Alan (Potted Plant) Colmes is funnier and better informed than you, you are an inanimate object and that object is a cyst within the taint of a child molester.

See the accent font on "real"? Take that cowards!

During the same stretch ole’ Fox News tried it’s (right) hand at a “comedy news show”. That lasted 17 cricket-chirping airings. Miller appeared on 13 of them. The guy is the fucking Typhoid Mary of “attempted entertainment”. Need a show killed? Call Miller. My God, Jim Belushi was on TV for 9 fucking years in a row, and in a “comedy”! How goddamn tough can it be? So what’s left? Well, game shows of course! And Dennis Miller got a crack at not one but two of them. The first plodded along for a few weeks; the other didn’t even make it a month before the plug was pulled. I’ll take washed up hacks for $600 Alex. Shit, Terri Schiavo yielded better results and lasted longer (and frankly, got more laughs). Hey Gameshow Dennis, you have been bested by Howie-fucking-Mandel. Groove on that cha-cha. 

But Miller was somehow able to puke up even more failure! He got a shot at another TV sports gig, Sports Unfiltered - but POOF…one month and gone. Not to get all Dennis Miller on Dennis Miller, but this guy has been relieved of more positions than Jenna Jameson. How does this chump manage to survive failure after failure? It seems he has become impervious to illness because he can’t even host a deadly virus for more than a week before the virus says, “fuck this loser, I’m going to Carlos Mencia’s crib for some descent laughs”. 

Save? Save? I wonder how that worked out?

So where do the dregs of all dregs always eventually land? What is the bottom of the show-biz barrel for those who can still speak, yet have nothing remotely funny or useful to say? Talk radio fo’ sure. AM talk radio is the halfway house for the talentless on parole from the actual comedy world. Miller, with hat in hand, heads to the nearest broadcast booth to pollute the world with even more of his painful un-funniness. As of Feb. ’09 he’s held down the 34th spot in the rankings. (Arbitron Inc.) The 33rd highest rated show is the Marlee Matlin Morning Zoo! Dickhead’s whopping success can be traced straight to 9/11. He has apparently taken many courses and colored countless books on geo-political history, theory and strategy. Hell, he’s so chock full of answers for everything I think it’s down right criminal he has deprived us of his super powered brain in the public service world, as to solve all these issues once and for all. But fear not a confused and befuddled American public; for we have "Miller Time" every week on the O’Reilly show to grant us the enlightened path to salvation. It is the most painful 6 minutes of television aired anywhere on Earth. Question: How does Dick Morris know that Dennis Miller’s hemorrhoids are flaring up? Answer: Bill O’Reilly’s cock tastes weird. I’d prefer Susan Smith baby-sit my kids* than sit through a new Miller stand-up special. (*I have no kids) 

I hate Dennis Miller. I don’t hate the Zodiac Killer. I don’t hate Michael Vick. I don’t even hate Dick Cheney (much). But Dennis Miller makes me want to throw blind kittens into a wood chipper and mail him the results wrapped in the Octomom’s dirty diaper collection. I hate the way he speaks in that overly forced, rat-pack, wannabe, hipster, jive ass vernacular. I hate the way he calls Bill O’Reilly “Billy” or John Stewart “Johnny”. I hate the way he does that stupid “looping roll of the fingers off the forehead” salute on camera. I hate the way he pisses out of the side of his mouth and swipes under his eye as an affectation of his faux nonchalantnesss. I hate how he uses the words “cathartic” and “pragmatist” every 5th & 6th sentence in order to show us he owns a ninth grade thesaurus.  I hate his clichéd “cash big show-biz salad day checks, marry a model and buy a McMansion.” modus operandi. I hate his lazy payday casino gigs as a means to stay “a comic”. And most of all I hate how he is not funny…anymore, at all, period. (And see, I didn’t even bring up “The Net”. I’m getting soft)

one is a gut-busting laugh machine the other is Dennis Miller.