Chunklet

So there's a benefit show tonight for the worst magazine falling on hard financial times in 2009, Paste Magazine. I know, I know. In 2009, we should be celebrating anybody that's willing to put out a piece of printed material. I mean, look who you're talking to, fer chrissakes!

But no, I can't lock step with people that endorse shit. I've fought in the punk rock trenches too long to let this sleeping dog (or rather dying and/or decaying dog) lie. Fuck. That.

Two years ago, back when their coffers were flush with money from Fat Possum and Luaka Bop ads, we shot across their bow. And sure, we live mere miles from their headquarters. I don't care. And sure, their boat is sinking, but I'm firing across their bow again. Fuck it. This bitch has got to sink.

And let me say right now that if you've ever been a follower of Paste Magazine (other than for research purposes or morbidly curious reasons) and also read Chunklet, I don't want you as a supporter of our endeavors. If you've never read Paste, you're a lucky person and/or somebody that's never been stuck at the Memphis Airport. Either way, you win.

Furthermore, I'm not hiding behind a computer when I write this. I am making an open challenge to anybody from Paste Magazine to a debate about their merit versus the merit of Chunklet. It'd be the ultimate spectacle. Editorial morons versus a Moron editor. The fight of the century. We'll charge at the door and kick the money towards the winner. I've already picked out the curtains I'd like to buy with the winnings! Ooooh! Am I picking a fight? Well, sure, I guess I am.

So without further ado, and with complete credit going to my friends on Facebook, here's a new revised list. *COUGH*

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of shit and Paste Magazine?

A: Nobody's dumb enough to have a benefit show for a bucket of shit.
There is none.
A free CD.
The staples.
A bucket of shit doesn't ask you for money.
Most people won't open a bucket of shit.
There is an off chance that a bucket of shit might contain nuts.
A bucket of shit can tell you more about what you like.
A bucket of shit doesn't like crawl up Ryan Adams' ass and set up camp.
In five years people will still know what a bucket of shit is.
More work goes into a bucket of shit.
If someone has a bucket of shit under their arm you might think they're crazy but you don't instantly hate them.
A bucket of shit doesn't try to convince you to buy a Jack Johnson CD.
A bucket of shit only requires one asshole, not a building full of them.
The bucket of shit just might have a well designed cover over it.
A bucket of shit has substance.
At least flies are attracted to a bucket of shit.
A bucket of shit has staying power, especially downwind.
A bucket of shit doesn't have lofty aspirations.
A Fat Possum can't carry a bucket of shit.
I'd donate money to save a bucket of shit.
A bucket of shit grew weary of Uncle Tupelo a long time ago.
A bucket of shit has potential.
A bucket of shit doesn't have a specially designed logo that always reminds me of the edgy lust for life present at the salad bar at whole foods.
A bucket of shit represents spoils of a fruitful effort.
A bucket of shit has useful fertilizing possibilities.
A bucket of shit is most definitely not insipid.
A bucket of shit never tried to rip off NME.
It's possible for a bucket of shit to have been made by a talented writer.
You can't use the discounted media mail rate when shipping a bucket of shit via the USPS.
People who stare at a bucket of shit are far better informed.
A bucket of shit knows more about typography.

Now seriously, Paste. Die.

PASTE? What a waste! But I also heard that when H2O's autobiography is released; the title will be, "Yes I Can, If Albini Says So". Will the 90's ever end?

Posted by frank @ 07/19/2009 08:44 PM

Kip, I feel so slighted. :>(

Posted by billy @ 07/15/2009 08:55 PM

I think Brushback pretty much summed it up. Why the fuck would any of you assholes want this site to play nice? I wouldn't buy the magazine or check out this site if Henry wasn't a bitter prick. Long live Chunklet. Paste can fucking die already.

Posted by kip @ 07/15/2009 07:56 PM

eventually the dog shit turns white and quits smelling.

Posted by wm. @ 07/15/2009 06:17 PM

right on, brushback. i miss dear jesus...

Posted by chad @ 07/15/2009 05:14 PM

When did "music rags not pitch bitchfits over other publications"? This has been going on for decades, even going back to Rolling Stone and Creem and Bomp and so forth.

Fanzines, especially. Forced Exposure and Conflict wouldn't have been quite as much fun if they weren't taking shots at MRR and Chemical Imbalance every so often.

You people are bland. Go read Women's Day or something, jesus.

Posted by Brushback @ 07/15/2009 03:13 PM

Oh, the days when music rags reported on music rather than pitching bitchfits over other publications! Those days were gay.

It seems that here in 2009, when substance no longer cuts the readership muster, you create drama.

scene,
drama

Posted by ½ of ¼ @ 07/15/2009 11:16 AM

I hope Paste doesn't reply.

Yeah the magazine is gay but why even stoop to this level? I agree with earlier dude show me some interesting obscure mid-western HC band or something.

I think it's funny how you hate something SO MUCH that has nothing to do with Chunklet. Whats the REAL reasons why you hate them? Its kinda like the tanned, tinted haird jock in highschool who 'hates fags' but reads Details and Mens Health.

Posted by S/V @ 07/14/2009 04:46 PM

salut, henry, salut. i guess i can count myself among the few that's never read paste, yet for some reason i threw them some bucks thinking i was doing something to keep indie media alive. two minutes later i came to my senses and realized how pathetic their whiny plea was. stupid me...

Posted by emdee @ 07/14/2009 02:52 PM

You obviously have not seen Henry's DVD collection?

Posted by billy @ 07/13/2009 07:18 PM

A bucket of shit can't come from a pussy.

Posted by dick @ 07/13/2009 04:42 PM

Will Hollis Gillespie have to go back to fluffing at Creative Loafing now?

Posted by cosmic_inferno @ 07/13/2009 02:08 PM

What the fuck is Paste Magazine? Do they try to convince people to listen to Despicably Pretentious world music wankery sung by a dude imitating Mariah Carey? Or some House-music hippies pushing buttons and singing three different Beach Boy songs at the same time? Or a girl with a voice like a tire break, plinking away on a harp singing about pumpernickel and shit? Bring me the head of those writers instead.

Posted by Oldie @ 07/13/2009 01:33 PM

i'm down the middle when it's comes to both publications. i will say that i think the few things paste does well are things that i've seen other zines already doing. a get the feeling i'm reading a wannabe version of mojo from 6 years ago. nothing special.

i enjoy chunklet, but, no offense, don't find anything particularly special about it either. it's like a mirror of the crap that spews forth from my mouth all of the time. so right on so many levels, but done in a way that's off-putting to some.

sooo, i guess my point is that this thread makes perfect sense to me. i'm not taking sides, but i love the debate. i vote for a no holds barred chunklet v. paste snaps (yo mama) competition.

Posted by soupcrusher @ 07/13/2009 12:12 PM

I never read Paste but I did laugh my ass off when they put She & Him as their album of the year, and NO other magazine/blog did. That's when I knew I would never trust what they had to say.

Posted by larry @ 07/13/2009 01:48 AM

It's sad that decent mags like Harp and No Depression (that covered some of the same alt-country that Paste does) have died while the lameness that is Paste still lingers. I like me some alt-country, but I can't get behind the mostly lame taste and lousy writing that Paste dumps out every month.

I also laugh at how high-brow they try to be, by covering mostly art-house films but still having a video game reviews column.

One saving grace: they try to be high-brow, but at least they don't employ English lit grad-school dropouts like Pitchfork to pen the most pretentious bullshit they can. So, there's that...

Posted by Eric @ 07/12/2009 09:02 PM

Besides, shit-stirring like this is hilarious. Grow a sense of humor!!

Posted by Brushback @ 07/12/2009 10:41 AM

If you don't stomp out shit like this where it grows, it comes back ten times worse. That's why you trash stuff like this. For instance, none of you wimpy fuckers said shit about all the crappy pop-punk and emo records that came out in the 90's, and NOW look at what we're stuck with.

It's all about quality control. Get rid of it now, or pay the price later.

Posted by Brushback @ 07/12/2009 10:40 AM

Have to agree with Hmm on this one. Shitty magazines and blogs are a dime a dozen. Who gives a fuck? Why waste your effort talking about them? Talk about the good stuff. That's why people come here anyway. And yeah, challenging a magazine to a debate is more than a little silly. Did this publication claim to possess more merit than Chunklet? I guess I just don't see the point. Post some MP3s, highlight an obscure punk band, leave the gossipy nonsense to Pitchfork, NME, etc.

Posted by Terry @ 07/11/2009 04:16 PM

Hey Hmmm (if that's your real name). Was I having a bad day? Not necessarily. However, I've become bristled watching people in town lend a hand to what is (arguably) the worst music magazine that is still on the racks. I do appreciate your vote of confidence, and I certainly don't mean to rattle that loyalty, but I just had enough of this unfaltering ass licking of a suspect organization. Okay, maybe I *WAS* having a bad day, but fuck it, I want a spectacle. If the HMS Magazine is sinking, I want to be the orchestra playing on the deck as it's submerging into the briny blue.

Posted by h2o @ 07/11/2009 03:34 PM

Not that I like Paste or anything, but this post was retarded. "I am making an open challenge to anybody from Paste Magazine to a debate about their merit versus the merit of Chunklet". Seriously Henry, I love you man, but come on. Were you having a bad day or something?

Posted by Hmm @ 07/11/2009 12:55 PM

i got a subscription to that magazine for one dollar back when they were trying the "radiohead model" out. after about two issues, whenever it showed up in my mailbox, i would get as aggravated as if it were junk mail. virtually every article was of no interest to me. esoteric blather, and very little of it was actually about music.

they ended up just forgetting to send me a couple of issues at one point. that was fine. utter dreck.

Posted by tony @ 07/11/2009 03:00 AM

A bucket of shit doesn't believe the Earth is 6,000 years old. Although it has an equal IQ.

Wow, yo got positively "Billy" on that post, kid. Nice.

Posted by billy @ 07/10/2009 10:54 PM

Hilarious stuff as usual, Henry! Keep up the great work!

Posted by Reggie @ 07/10/2009 09:46 PM

I certainly wish no ill will towards the EARL nor my bestest buddy Curt, but I do find this kinda hilarious. Sorry for the awkwardness, Curt.

Posted by h2o @ 07/10/2009 09:37 PM

Funny Story. I grabbed the top shirt off the pile this morning. Came to work, and got nothing but askew glances from the band members. Then I came to you site today.

Oh yeah, The shirt is my grey Chunklet T.

Posted by Curt. @ 07/10/2009 09:34 PM

I got my dad a low-cost subscription to Paste for his birthday and he started out enjoying it (after all, he's 58 years old), but by the end he begged me not to renew.

Fat Possum has been snapping up a decent band or two in the past year (and reissuing Townes records). There are worse-smelling fish to gut.

Posted by smr @ 07/10/2009 08:13 PM

Depending on its overall stickiness, the contents of a bucket of shit could actually be used as paste.

Furthermore, the contents of Paste magazine are also interchangeable with a bucket of shit.

Posted by bennett @ 07/10/2009 07:34 PM

<3 chunklet

Posted by duthier @ 07/10/2009 07:11 PM

I laughed my ass off reading the new list... good work!

Posted by byrd @ 07/10/2009 06:21 PM

Henry, I was stuck at the Memphis airport last year while on layover but instead of reading Paste, I read the issue of Chunklet that was just released then. I'm not sure if I should have just read Paste.

Posted by Kallen @ 07/10/2009 03:54 PM

"Most people won't open a bucket of shit" -- that one's great.

Never liked Paste myself, either. I almost immediately threw away the copy that I got for free on Record Store Day, and that was the first copy I'd ever put my hands on.

Posted by Brushback @ 07/10/2009 03:38 PM

Bubble hearts.

Posted by sizzle mo @ 07/10/2009 02:52 PM

Henry, perfectly put.

Posted by tankboy @ 07/10/2009 02:37 PM