Over a year ago, Man or Astro-Man? asked for me to write the liner notes for their reissue of their "Your Weight on the Moon" 10" on One Louder. Of course, nothing has happened (yet) so I’m including this along with MOAM?s very first tape from the fall of ’92.

Also, to all Astro-fans, it’ll do you well to go check out James Bennett’s meticulous blog regarding the band’s discography. Recommended.

And finally, I’ve encoded some early video of Astroman from ’92. Darnell’s in Auburn!

LINERS:
Second only to five inch records, ten inch records are the pinnacle of collecting fetishism. Fact.

I’m certainly not trying to pick a fight with this broad statement, but it’s true. You, the reader, know it’s true. The labels that put them out know it’s true. Hell, everybody that’s ever collected records knows it’s true. It’s the vinyl equivalent to the dollar coins that the US Mint has tried (repeatedly) to adapt into the American currency. No matter how much they’ve been pushed on the general public, they’re just met with a polite level of interest followed by an oppressive level of apathy. This is fact. The sooner you come to realize this, the sooner your record collection will be able to muster a sigh of relief.

I’ve had extended conversations discussing the fetishistic nature of 10" records over and over again, and when pressed for a counter-argument, the same examples are brought up to champion their validity. The Oblivians. Slint. Teengenerate. Pavement. And then there’s Man…or Astro-Man? They didn’t put out one 10" record. No, no, no. They put out THREE and one of ’em was a double! Pack that in your space bong and smoke it.

1994 marked only YEAR NUMBER TWO for Man…or Astro-Man? in their search to fill record store bins across the world with their absurdly prolific output. The band came out of the gates so fast in 1992 that it became almost impossible to keep up with what they were putting out. As a fledgling music writer in Athens at the time of their first demo tape called "Supersonic Toothbrush" (not to be mistaken for the 7" of the same name) was released, I felt fortunate that I was able to plant a stake at ground zero of the swelling Astro-mania that would swell throughout the decade.

Just to put things in perspective, perhaps it would be best to explain exactly just how prolific Astro-Man? were. In 1993, their first full year as a band, they put out five singles, a flexidisc and their first full length album, Is It… My iTunes library tells me that’s over a full 90 minute mix-tape of exclusive material. An hour and a half! In a year! Perhaps it would also help to understand that when the band wasn’t writing and recording these releases, they were burning out axles and flinging Little Debbie snack cakes all across the Southeast United States. And to top it off, to varying degrees, all four of the Astro-kids were all in school. And let me tell you, as somebody that is all but a few years older than they are, they were kids. But they were kids that were chomping at the bit to get out of Auburn and out to clubs to slap their stickers on any available condom machine, sound board, backstage club door or cocaine mirror they could get their post-teenage hands on.

Man…or Astro-Man?’s visits to Georgia were alarmingly steady in those early days before the rest of the planet fell prey to them. By looking at my dusty tape collection, the band played no fewer than six venues in Georgia that first year. The Star Bar, The Point and the Grooveyard in Atlanta and Club Fred, Hoyt Street North and the 40 Watt Club in Athens. And on top of it, they performed in the Omni Hotel lobby at DragonCon to unwitting comic book and scifi nerds on a Saturday afternoon. You could say that the band was hungry, but so quickly? And so…..I don’t know how else to say it…..CRAZED?!

Their live shows were always a hodgepodge of whatever far-fetched ideas that came out of their collective noggins. Performed songs that were flubbed were met with push-ups. Coco’s brilliant, yet some would say long winded, on-stage rants were met with abuse from behind Birdstuff’s drum kit. Hecklers were met with Tang powder poured over their heads. Unsuspecting audiences were blindsided by Little Debbie snacks hurtling out the Snackzooka (™) at 100 miles per hour. Coco The Electronic Monkey Wizard would ride his trusty Big Wheel around the crowd, and of course, the show was never truly complete until their trusty tour manager Bookman would come out to shake his hips doing the "Bunny Foo Foo" dance during "Reverb 10,000." Those were good times, I tell you. Good times. And don’t let nobody tell you otherwise.

Which, in a roundabout way, takes me to fall of 1993. Birdstuff and I had become quick pen pals in those halcyon pre-internet days where stamps on postcards announcing tour dates were king and our early hang times were spent hovering over the merch table after their sets. Birdstuff would routinely push Astroman?’s newest sellable gimmick on me. Whether it was Astro-Teethpaste (read: a push-tube of Crest), Galactic Fruit Meteors (read: a standard issue fruit cake) or Space Dust (read: dryer lint) they all had an ersatz Man…or Astroman? sticker slapped on it and made their own….and available for only five bucks!

The band played that night with the Smugglers and the Subsonics above a Jamaican restaurant on Peachtree in Atlanta at a club called The Grooveyard. This is back when downtown was still fraught with chances for a small town kid such as myself to get mugged (or worse) on a night out. I vividly recollect Clay from the Subsonics warning me to look out for the heroin needles in the men’s bathroom. Yeah, it was that kind of place. That particular night Birdstuff plopped the "Call of the Wild" flexidisc and Mission Into Chaos single into my hands (along with the newest obligatory Astro-shirt and stickers) before I left for my 2am drive back to Athens.

Getting a copy of those early Astro-Man? singles was palpably exciting. The songs were still fresh. Still new. Still raw. Not obsessed with studio time, they were cranking the jams out at a furious clip and Mission Into Chaos was no exception. Astro-Man? was still around eighteen months old, but learning what they wanted from their records at an excelled rate. As with all their singles of this era, it was recorded out past the train tracks in Wetumpka, Alabama at Jim Marrer’s converted house/studio in a day. The guitar tones were starting to drift away from the clichéd Ventures sound and getting a more punky attack. The ambient drones and howls were more deftly mixed into the songs.  The samples were getting more abstract. The 4-color die-cut sleeve (their first for a 7") was far more mysterious and less literal than previous releases (thanks to graphic design master Art Chantry). The band was growing stronger by the day and Mission Into Chaos proves it.

A mere couple months later in December, Astroman? were playing the 40 Watt in Athens on some random Friday night. All of the band were gearing up for their first trip to Ol Blighty and showed up to the club with differently colored Manic Panic-dyed neon hair. I distinctly remember Birdstuff’s electric blue mop as he handed me their (fifth!) newest single of 1993, the vs. Europa UK tour single on Homo Habilis. Again, and I’m not trying to belabor the point as much as make this abundantly clear, this was a band that had started a little over a year before their first European tour. Wrap your head around that.

The winter and spring of 1994 progressed with their same seemingly effortless level of aplomb. And, as had become tradition by that point, Astroman? were hitting Georgia on Fridays and Saturdays amidst their furious school, recording and tour schedule. Amidst the calamity, Astroman? wrote Your Weight On The Moon in a week. Yes, seven days. Following that, the band was holed up at Zero Return for another three days to record and mix their debut 10" record.

Your Weight On The Moon signaled the waning days of this first (and some would say "classic") line up of Astroman?. Dr. Deleto’s days were counting down and so was the band’s more elementary approach to songwriting. However, this isn’t to say that Astroman? didn’t have plenty of tricks up their sleeve. As performances around this time would prove, many of these songs became staples of their set for years to come. "Special Agent Conrad Uno" and "Electrostatic Brain Field" were always to be expected for the next year. The Rezillos song "Destination Venus" was too eerily similar to the Astroman? songwriting style of the time (except for the addition of vocals, obviously) and "Rocketship XL-3" became the routine opening number to their shows for most of 1994 and well into 1995.

The 10" quickly became ubiquitous with record stores and collectors alike. Of course, the sign of the diehard fan was easy to spot by owning a glow-in-the-dark copy. And yes, I would turn the lights out in my living room to watch the record dimly glow while "Space Patrol" blasted out of my stereo. Remember what I said about the 10" being a fetishized format? Well, keep in mind that when said format glows, it ramps the record to legendary status. No question.

The band would take a more distinctly post-punk direction over the course of their next lineup which featured Captain Zeno. But really, Your Weight On The Moon is a crystalline snapshot of a young and prolific band writing, performing and recording at a furious pace. Musically, the band never stayed in one place for very long, but after all, these were kids from outer space.

Upon discussing Man or Astro-Man? with a fellow long-tenured fan, we kept revisiting how the band was always on display. This was actually a band whose packaging matched (or even exceeded) their on-stage personas, and you’d always wait with anxious anticipation what the band would bring out. Whereas some bands would have cool looking records, their songs sucked and what’s worse, they sucked live. Or, what would be more painful, their songs were killer, the packaging was killer, yet the band just weren’t that great on stage. But then there was Man…or Astro-Man? who masterfully did all three. They always came up with something fun (and usually funny) for almost ten years. TEN YEARS! Although this might sound brash, I’ll publicly debate anybody that can find a band with such a spectacular track record for an entire decade. Yeah, long live Man…or Astro-Man?

Henry H. Owings
Chunklet Magazine
Atlanta, Georgia
27 January 2010

Man…or Astro-Man? – Invasion of the Dragonmen (first demo)
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Man…or Astro-Man? – Organ Smash (first demo)
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Man…or Astro-Man? – Nitrous Burnout (first demo)
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Man…or Astro-Man? – Adios Johnny Bravo (first demo)
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Man…or Astro-Man? – Cowboy Playing Dead (first demo)
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Man…or Astro-Man? – Alien Visitors (first demo)
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Man…or Astro-Man? – Sadie Hawkins Atom Bomb (first demo)
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Man…or Astro-Man? – Taxidermist Surf (first demo)
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Poly Styrene died Monday after a battle with cancer. I know I’m just one of countless who were affected by her music with X Ray Spex. We were all Germfree with Poly singing.

Back in ’96, I interviewed her via email (which was revolutionary back then) for issue ten of Chunklet, and I’m publishing it here for the first time since it was originally published. At the end of our email exchange, I asked her for an autographed photo and a week later, one arrived in the mail which I still cherish to this day. Goodbye, Poly. You will be missed.

Name:
Marian Joan Elliott
Birthday:
3rd July 1957
Height:
5 ft. 2"
Shoe size:
4 or 37
Prescription Lenses:
None but I like wearing shades
Other:
36" 26" 36"
What sort of background do you come from?  Positive family environment, etc?
A slightly unusual one I have seven different races flowing through my veins. I had lots of fun & love as a kid, mum was quite strict, I have fond memories of British life.
Before the band started, what did you do?  School?
I was designing wacky clothing and had a small unit in the Kings Road, Chelsea called Poly Styrene. Vivienne Westwood was just around the corner.
What were the first records you bought?
My Sweet Lord by George Harrison, Aretha Franklin’s first gospel album, Holidays In The Sun by the Sex Pistols.
X Ray Spex formed in what year?  What was the impetus for the band’s creation?
1976, I wanted to have fun with some kids my own age. I also wanted to communicate with the rest of the world.
How did you all meet?
I put an ad in Melody Maker for young punx who want to stick it together. Paul Jak came B.P. & Lora came later Lora left and then Rudi Tompson came over from Australia.
When the band initially formed, what was the most musical training any of you had?
Everybody had some training, Paul & I had the most, Paul played clarinet and guitar as well as bass. I was trained classically at Wigmore Hall and my singing teacher wanted me to sing opera soprano but I had other ideas.
Given your ages at the time, how did you  fit  in with other contemporary bands of the time?
We were babes compared to bands like the Pretenders. We said hi to everybody but kept a respectable distance.
What was your take on the whole punk scene?
A new attitude, we wanted a new world order.
Do you believe that punk is still a viable movement?
Yes, but it needs to evolve from self imposed negative nihilism to positive thinking. It could also do with a spiritual injection.
Did punk mean anything to you?  How about now?
It meant a lot at the time for lots of people, and now it’s up to capable individuals to build on what was started.
How did the lyrics for songs come about?
Divine inspiration, I hope? And of course wordly experience.
What about your music?  How are songs written?
Something fires or triggers my imagination, then words, concept & melodies flood my consciousness then I express this to the people I work with and they become a tangible reality.
Were you ever turned away from a club you were playing at because they wouldn’t allow minors in or they didn t believe you were in the band?  Please elaborate.
No because I always drank orange juice or Perrier at the bar and my braces and clothes made me very recognizable.
I know you played America in 1979.  What was your initial impression of America and Americans?  Has it changed?
I loved it and the positivity of American audiences was ab-fab.  I have some frends in the USA in a band called Shelter and they’re absolutely brilliant.
What have been the most pivotal moments in the band’s career?  In your life?
Playing Victoria Park, East London Anti Nazi League rally, for Rock Against Racism. It was a real political-musical high, thousands and thousands of people marhed and of course making "Conscious Consumer" was a giant step into the 21st Cetury.
What was (were) the reason (s) that the band dissolved at the end of the 70’s?
I wanted to continue my education and I needed to grow spiritually.
How did you initially get involved with Krishna?
Singing and dancing with them in the early seventies at various pop festivals in the UK. I also read a book called Easy Journies To Other Planets and when I ate some halava I was hooked.

Was your involvement with Krishna part of the reason that  Germ Free Adolescents  became the collector’s item that it became (due to going out of print)?  When did you decide to allow the first record to be rereleased?
I guess you could say Krishna had something to do with the band’s current underground cult status, 1991 we allowed Virgin to rerelease Germfree on CD. Of course there’s been lots of bootlegs which we knew nothing about.
Why did you finally allow it to happen?
I wanted to continue to communicate with the rest of the world.
Have you found X Ray Spex’s popularity to have risen over the band’s hiatus during the 80’s?
Yes it has especially in the USA and Japan.
Describe what it was like to reassemble the band and record this new album.
Great fun.
Your lyrics have definitely changed….how do you comfortably go from  "I’m a Cliche"  to songs about cows and their religious significance?
Quite easily, why not? I’m certainly not bound by my own myth, as my consciousness evolves so my songs naturally evolve.
Does the Krishna organization encourage your musical endeavors?  Please elaborate.
I have lots of friends that are Hari’s, but there’s no great plot. Sure they like my music, and true friends are always supportive. Sometimes I might get inspired at a lecture or a love feast to write a song.
What is the current status of X Ray Spex?
You tell me, I’m a little detached from that side of things. I think we’ve got some cred though.
Will America ever see you playing here again?
I should most definitely say so – and I hope it’s not in the too distant future.
Do you have any suggestions for 13 year olds trying to do what you did 20 years ago?
Chant Hare Krishna and be happy, don’t eat dead animals, have fun with your music and keep some straight-edge principles.
How has the electronic/cyber revolution changed the way you do things?
Artistically, not a lot, but it’s been great for communications and maybe we will utilise it a bit more on future albums.
Parting words?
Peace, Love & Blessings.

(originally published in Chunklet 10, 1996)

A Chunklet Industries Study

This has been done before. That can be said about many of the motifs, visuals, shots, and mannerisms that are in gangsta rap music videos. It can also be said about a list such as this.

But being the person I am, I wasn’t satisfied with just a handful of examples. Because of course rap videos are similar. Having seen as many as I have though, you start to notice the nuances of these clichés. And by having dedication only when it serves exploring the inane, I thought I could do better.

But what does this all mean? Through this close examination of rap videos will we have a better understanding of rap culture? Or music in general? Will it give us insight into the objectification of women? Will it explain just where all our money went? No. It won’t. That’s the nature of rap music. It’s to put those questions at ease with a beat, provocatively dressed women and money. And that’s all it ever wanted to do.

The following has appeared in at least one video. Rap culture in general is heavily based on replication, leaving us to understand that if it was done once in one video, it’s been done in other videos that followed (most of which probably will never see the light of day and shouldn’t).

The list is not complete, by any means, but it’s a start.

Intro credits for the video like a movie.
Funny skit before song starts to play. (Often featuring fat comedians)
Video is a parody of a movie. (i.e. Eyes Wide Shut)
Police car/foot chase.
Stuffy reporter on the scene. (i.e. Party, chase, etc)
The rapper’s “Crew” rolling into a suburban white bread neighborhood, stereos blaring.
Old white people shaking their fists at the loud music.
White people dressed like thugs and dancing stiffly.
A boy or girl, younger than 8 years old, dancing surrounded by a circle of people.
Flashback to rapper’s childhood.
Shot of street signs, at the intersection where the rappers grew up. (And where video will be taking place)
Shots of people rapper knew from the hood to show his cred.
Rapper playing multiple characters a la Tyler Perry.
Standing in front of a mansion as if to say, “I live here!”
Standing in front of a row of expensive cars. (Generally in front of the mansion they eluded to living in)
Craps game about to pop off.
The “Look at my grillz!” smile.
Rapping in front of massive pools.
Rapping in the studio.
Two shot. (Usually the rapper and a video girl)
Low shot of rapper rapping in front of a city landmark.
Bypassing the club line and entering the club with a simple handshake (or nod) with the bouncer.
Chorus of the song printed on the screen. (Much like a sing along)
Video girls lip-syncing with the lyrics.
Buff dudes lifting weights, excessively.
Rapper using women for exercise. (Not in a dirty way)
Knowing everyone at the barbershop.
Strip clubs.
Bedrooms turned into strip clubs.
Women having money, literally thrown at them.
Women dancing on elevated platforms. (Stage, table, etc)
Rapper checking out the girls in a car stopped at the red light next to him.
A woman licking a lollipop.
Shot of two girls who look like they are about to make out, but NEVER make out.
A woman’s shirt cut way to high, exposing the bottom parts of her breasts.
A woman grabbing her knees in full booty jiggling mode.
Only one white girl in a video that features an abundance of black girls.
Rapper’s face next to a booty jiggling.
Rapper sitting in a collage (only way to describe it really) of hot biddies.
Fat guy pointing at the camera.
Fat guy eating.

Basketball game between rappers.
Sports celebrity cameo.
Wearing a basketball jersey.
Wearing a football jersey.
Clothing brand that rapper is wearing, blurred out.
Camo clothing.
Wearing bulletproof vests for fashion, not protection.
Wearing no shirt.
Rapper dressed like a cowboy.
Spinning shirt over the head like a helicopter.
Color coordinating.
Rapper pulling on their platinum chain as if to break it off their necks.
Rapper holding the chain on their neck like they are playing cat’s cradle.
Wearing a wrestling belt. (OK maybe that’s just Pastor Troy.)
Comic interlude in the middle of the video.
Close up shots of rappers tattoos. (Generally featuring a hood, family member, rap group member or Jesus)
Rapping with a crowd of people in the middle of the street with the camera at eye level.
Rapping with a crowd of people in the middle of the street with the camera above them.
Biting a stack of cash like a dog with a bone.
“Let it rain” money toss (generally hunched over and below the waist).
Duffel bag of cash. (Usually given in exchange for a series of cars, houses, jewelry, etc.)
Sexy women cutting up a drug of some sort or counting money.
Shots of money counter, counting money.
Rapper rubbing their hands together as if they are cold, but clearly not.
Soapy bathtub/hot tub scene, generally covering the ladies…features.
Close up shot of rapper’s shoe as they step out of expensive car.
Slow motion shot of a vehicle (motorcycle, car, three wheeled motorcycle) burning out in one place, creating smoke.
Slow motion anything. (Especially in the Juvenile music video for “Slow Motion”)
Ghost riding.
Suicide Lamborghini doors opening.
Standing on top of vehicles, rapping.
Limo versions of regular cars.
Shot of the rapper, in an expensive car, making a left turn.
Shots capturing the extravagant insides of the vehicles.
Jump cuts (cars driving, walking) to the rhythm of the beat.
Image frame cut up by black bars, in rhythm with the beat.
Dogs barking menacingly. (Almost exclusively bull dogs)
Rapper, who has nothing to do with the song or album, is featured in the video to up the “star factor” of video.
Producer in the video for no real reason, but to be in the video. (i.e. Damon Dash, Puff Daddy, Pharrell)
Showing where you are from, with accompanying jersey grab.
Saying where you are from, with accompanying hand signal (i.e. ATL).
Rapper wakes up out of his sleep/day dream/fantasy to realize it was all a dream.
Close up on a license plate (i.e. Da Ruler), before the car pulls away.
Quick shot during the fade out of the video, where the rappers break character and do something silly.

by Meseret Haddis
(Additional material by Rudy Behrens)

So I’ve been busy changing diapers and dealing with the bang and clang of construction here at Chunklet HQ, but the press juggernaut behind the Indie Cred Test has begun!

CMJ
Spectrum
The Daily Swarm
Stereogum
Blurt
Audiojerks (podcast)
Two Thousand (Australia)
The Agit Reader
Refinery 29
The Reader
The Hairpin (Indie Cred Test for girls)
The Indie Reader (if you consider a ‘sentence’ restating the cover a ‘review’)

I’m also including an interview I did this past week with the kind folks at WREK here in Atlanta. In the ten years since the last time I was at their studio (MOAM? did a radio session), they moved. So I was late. Instead of an hour long interview, you get 30 minutes. In those 30 minutes, I fire across a local music scribe’s bow, explain who Nirvana is/was and get to hate on Perry Farrell. I know, far too easy.

Chunklet on WREK (April ’11)
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So I’ve been in pretty hardcore daddy duty these past couple weeks, but I’m still listening to new jams. Often.

True Widow is on Kemado and are a self-professed "stonegaze" band from Dallas. The kind folks at Aquarius have been championing them for a while, but yeah, I guess I’d have to read each and every update they do in order to catch all the great stuff they recommend.

Other than this, the new Milk Music LP…..well, it’s just about the best damned thing I’ve heard this year so far.

More updates on the site forthcoming.

So I’m looking at an enormous bag of records that I bought on Saturday. And yes, it’s more than many Saturdays I buy records, but it’s a bag nonetheless.

In it are some real finds: The Big Star test-pressing LP, Grinderman 12"s, Velvet Underground, Deerhunter, Off! and other singles.

And then I got a 13th Floor Elevators single which I was very excited to get. However, it was $13. I know, predatory pricing isn’t anything new for major labels…..but for a single? By Roky Erickson? Really? I mean, REALLY?

I also got this video from Eric Levin who owns/operates Criminal Records and is a co-founder of Record Store Day. An insanely insane head scratcher.

…..and…..discuss.

Now I know that Chunklet isn’t the appropriate forum to champion my sports teams, but I found a loophole. It is primarily the website I use to make fun of bands. And I’ve spent a good deal of the past eight years making fun of Ministry.

So I always find that there are a lot of Ministry and Blackhawk fans not aware of this abortion. So I sometimes enjoy digging it out for a laugh before I get bored and watch the Calgary Flames video from the 80’s.

Jorgensen gave this song to the Blackhawks as a theme song three years ago. It kind of sounds like if someone was making a low budget film and wanted to use Rock and Roll pt 2, but Gary Glitter is asking for way too much money because he’s in a Thai prison again so they got Marylin Manson’s (more?) retarded brother to write a song that doesn’t sound enough like RRp2 to get sued. Enjoy. But not too much. Sorry.

Please, bands of the Nineties and Aughts: do not "reunite". Not for a one-off show, not even if you were actually disbanded for more than ten years, not even if you really liked The Pixies. It was almost okay for them to do it: everybody felt bad for the magician/metal detector enthusiast drummer, and they had that one record with the hot naked chick on the cover, so there was some promise…and then we got "Bam Thwok". If they can’t pull it off, what makes you think you can?

But if nobody can convince you to stay dead a little bit longer, the least you can do is consult this latest Chunklet-certified list-style posting for the most appropriate description of what it is you and your group of teachers on summer break/unemployed buddies/career drinkers are doing by getting back in a van. "Reuniting" sounds a little too self-aggrandizing, so how about something more like:

Gettin’ back with the ex
Settling
Repackaging
Financial plannin’
Supplementing our unemployment checks
Leaving rehab early
Relenting
Driving up our eBay value
Foolin’ ourselves
Gravy-trainin’
Covering The Who
Romanticizing the van-smell
Subsidizing
Pitchforkin’
Corpse-fucking
Caving in
Going re-broke
Spittin’ on a stranger
Cred-cashing

Go ahead and add your suggestions in the "Comments" section. What else were you going to do with all that creative energy – write some new songs?

Best joke wins. Wins nothing, for winning is its own reward, just like cash.

Craigslist/Portland/Date: 2010-08-08

This Cat is 12 years old. It is very cute and has a long tail, so it will look good sitting in your window while you are away!

It has two looks on it’s face at all times 1) surprise. 2) angry glare. It has always been vindictive and angry. It will shred your arms to the bone if picked up, so handling is not advisable. Cat will use litter box only once and then considers it soiled and will choose your chair (or elsewhere) instead. Free *1 month supply/ 5 gallon bucket of Nature’s Miracle* will accompany Cat to new home. Cat hates other animals and children and people so please be an animal free and kid free and spouse/friend/roommate free home. Cat can only live with one Person. Cat hates for Person to have other people over, so you shouldn’t have friends or it will pee in their purse or on their shoes. Person should be strong of mind and body and not at home much, as cat is not into interaction. Interaction with it’s Person makes Cat angry, and it will vomit on your pillow in retaliation.

Cat hates to be inside too long, but will not go through doors as it hates doorways. You must chase it outside with clacking salad tongs. Cat’s *favorite salad tongs will be provided for free* and will accompany Cat to new home. Cat hates to be outdoors for too long as it prefers to pee, poop and vomit on your things, it likes to do this to claim it’s Person (this Person could be you!). Cat will come inside easily at dinnertime, no salad tongs necessary. Cat will vomit once during, and up to three times after dinner, usually on pillow, duvet, or laundry. Sometimes it will vomit in doorways. Sometimes it will just poop in these places. Other places Cat will poop: in front of refrigerator, in front of windows, near the litterbox, in front of teevee, on top of you if you are around for too long. Cat should not have access to any bathrooms as it hates bathmats and will destroy them on sight with a barrage of pee and poop and finally clawing it to shreds. Other things Cat will claw to shreds: arms, face, carpet, pillow, chair, laundry.

Cat has a loud obnoxious yowl to indicate when it is angry. The yowl is akin to that of a rabid zombie on the make and is quite terrifying, so you would be well advised to take heed and figure out what Cat wants. If you haven’t cleaned the litterbox in less than an hour, check that first. It may want you to provide running drinking water from the faucet. It WILL get on the counters, you should not interfere or you WILL be sorry. If yowling occurs between the hours of Noon and 7:00 pm, it may require feeding. Cat will attack you for your food, so it is not advisable to eat in the house. If not fed what you are eating, Cat will knock the dishes off the table in retaliation and eat the shards of glass and porcelain that fall, so that you will be required to take it to the vet. It likes the attention from the vet. Cat will look sweet and pitiful at vet’s office, and as I said before, Cat is very cute. No one will believe when you try to tell them what Cat is capable of, so don’t try. They will look at you as if you are the problem. I will understand your situation and you can call me in an emergency to talk about Cat. * 1 year of free consulting and phone support * comes with Cat. I will not be available in person for support, Cat will not like it and it will escalate situation.

Other things to be aware of with Cat. Cat has LONG hair and is prone to fur balls and the vomiting of hairy, slimy bits. This can not be helped. Cat hates any glass of drinking water to be left about and will drink from it and knock it over. You should not drink water from glasses. Cat does not like for it’s Person to sleep. It will walk/stand on your face with one razor sharp claw in your nostril and yowl like a zombie, so you would be well advised to stay awake and always be ready to attend to Cat. Cat weaves evil spells and makes hexes. Many do not believe this is true, but I am convinced of this fact. Cat will place spells on you while you sleep or read or watch teevee.

I think that is the bulk of the information I can provide about Cat. Cat is up to date on shots, sterilized and is physically healthy, it should live on for several more years. Please bring heavy cloth sack, a metal box or crate, face protection (I use a hockey goalie helmet) and long leather gloves when coming to pick up Cat. I will not be available to assist in transporting Cat.

Thanks for looking.

EDIT WORTHY OF NOTE: Updating ad to clarify that Cat is not abused. Cat is LOVED… from a safe distance, we are experienced animal people. You must love Cat or you will not make it long. Cat has always been uptight and has never been the subject of an abusive situation. We actively love Cat. Look how cute!! But it is hard. We do not abuse Cat with clacking tongs. Cat needs a lot of encouragement to go out, and hates when you have tongs…so free tongs for you…use them as you will. No, we didn’t let Cat eat shards of glass, but Cat would eat the shards if not herded off. Cat does look cute and act innocent for vet. I really didn’t expect anyone to come forward to take Cat given the extent of the disclosure I have given. Offers will be the subject of careful, but unlikely, consideration given the only people who would possibly want this Cat are going to sell the poor animal to a lab or have 100 other Cats at home. We have tried it all and consulted with consultants. The cat is 12 years old for crying out loud! We are tired. If you have the perfect situation, and you know how to deal with a Cat like this one, and you are sane, write a proposal and we will give it careful scrutiny.

For those giving free advice, please bring it on! will welcome ideas – provided you know something of what you are talking about. Here’s the skinny: Cat has been in care of current owner since kittenhood. Cat was in an apartment fire once – it was next door but you know, chaos and trauma ensued. Cat has always been "particular" unless in the EXACT RIGHT situation, which is with ONE Person and an "always open and never closed" Cat door to outside area. Cat will not push open a flap…hates doorways. NO other pets (poops in their food bowls). And being always catered to as if in slight fear of Cat. We have 4 cat boxes, each cleaned every day, not enough for Cat. Yes, we’ve tried the water fountain from Sky Mall magazine, Cat hates the fountain. Cat wants a personal fresh mountain stream or a constantly running tap. Given ALL of these things consistently, Cat will occasionally cuddle with knees at bedtime and purr loudly…lest you move with the intention to do ANYTHING. Cat will then flick the tail in your face and as I said, the tail is very long. Or Cat will pound on the bathroom door to attack the bathmat, or later in the night, your laundry (or worse). Cat is female. Cat never forgets a slight and her slights are many. She’s just a weird Cat, physically healthy, gets regular checkups with vet to prove it. We have 4 other very healthy, contented and happy pets.

Thanks everyone for your concerns. Cat probably thanks you too in her way.